Subliminal Bollywood Clichés
There are clichés in Bollywood. They have Inner Meaning. IwrotedownsomeforyoubecauseIcouldthinkofnothingelsetodo.
1. The honest police inspector is always poor, idealistic and has a dead father/sick mother/sister who has been or will get raped.
Moral of the story – Don’t be an honest police officer if you love your family.
2. The ‘villain’ always has a constant set of friends throughout the movie. They get beaten up for him all the time, they listen to him all the time and they never leave his side. Alternatively, the hero generally has one or two. They usually die, either by the villian’s hands or by the hero’s (because they turn out to be evil).
Moral of the story – Don’t make too many friends and if you do, make sure you kill some of them. In the end, only you must survive.
3. The problems only begin after women enter the equation. Until then, life is carefree and happy and gay.
Moral of the story – GIRLS HAVE THE COOTIES DONT GO NEAR THEM OKAY?
4. The nice idealistic rich guy has to have a disability/mental problem/aneurism/incurable disease/sudden death/hot daughter/split personality that will take over and never let go/evil brother/evil wife/evil son/other specific problem.
Moral of the story – The nice idealistic rich guy will either die or turn into an evil idealistic rich guy. Ergo, there are no nice idealistic rich guys. If the nice idealistic rich guy survives the duration of the film, he inevitably transfers all his richness to the hero, thereby negating his own existence. There are no nice idealistic rich women. EVER.
5. The only reason the atheist is an atheist is because her/his father/mother/spouse/child/favourite uncle/dog/elephant left her/him. On the return of such described cause of atheism, faith is restored. Alternatively, if said protagonist is evil, he/she does not think her/his self worthy to indulge in prayer. He/she is still a believer.
Moral of the story – There is no atheism. If you logically deny the existence of god, you cannot exist in the movies. Hi.
6. The guy who smokes and wears shades, as well as bell-bottoms and single coloured suits, is generally a smuggler/corrupt builder who also indulges in smuggling/owner of a really flashy car and helicopter and boat, all of which are used for smuggling.
Moral of the story – If you smoke and wear shades and bell-bottoms and single coloured suits, you have something to hide.
7. The man with the moustache never ever gets the girl. If the girl is with a moustachioed man, she immediately gravitates towards the non-mustachioed hero. The hero hardly ever has a moustache. If he/she does, then he/she never gets the woman.
Moral of the story – Shave. Bollywood is afraid of your rampant manliness.
8. ‘David’ is always a fat, drunk bar-owner if he isn’t a fat, drunk good-for-nothing man. His only job is being fat and drunk all the time. He occassionally helps either the hero or the bad guy. He is a wise cracking drunk old man and generally falls off his chair at one point of time or the other. David is also the name of almost all Christian people. If they are women, they are irritable, kindly and referred to as ‘Aunty’. They give great advice, regardless of their drunken irritability.
Moral of the story – Christian people are always drunk, give good advice and cannot balance themselves on chairs.
9. The dog/monkey/elephant/pigeon/random exotic pet is well trained in the operation of machinery, has a standard understanding of gears and levers and in invincible in general hand-to-paw/talon/large foot combat. It generally and preferably does not die, but if it does, it dies heroically. Everyone except the hero dies heroically.
Moral of the story – The hero is a manipulative bastard.
10. The comic relief guy never gets money, girls or anything cool. The comic relief guy also generally has to contend with some sort of physical or mental disability. Bollywood is not sensitive.
Moral of the story – Being funny sucks and if you are funny, there is something probably wrong with you.
Which is why I am not and this post is not and fun is bad. Now you know. Now you are free.
Be well and may the force be with you. OKAYBYE!